Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
