Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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