Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
