You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
