you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
