I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
