I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize