Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
