he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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