I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize