Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Randomize
