I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
