i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize