remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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