My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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