Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
