I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
