my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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