Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
