he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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