I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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