so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
