he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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