Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize