I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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