based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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