you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
