You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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