Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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