I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
