Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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