If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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