i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
