just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
