i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
