the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
