dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
