I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
