I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
