i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
