Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
