my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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