She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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