"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
