sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
