I wannas sexs uuuuu
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
