I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
what day is it and did you see me today?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
