Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
