ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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