Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
