Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
