please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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