Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
