i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
50% drunk capacity currently
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
