i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
