The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
