all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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