woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
