You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
