fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
