I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
