She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
