problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
